Welcome to an expedition to the Dark Side of casual dining. Today we begin an informal series of ‘recipe’ posts about History’s Most Horrifying Sandwiches. The first stop on our odyssey is the (in)famous Museum of Processed Cheese…
The saddest sandwich in the world: One lonely slice of American
(Processed) cheese on plain white bread. Not even any butter…
Or, as I originally thought about titling this inaugural instalment,
‘The Velveeta Chronicles’
Essential background: If you like Kraft Singles (and other processed cheese products), you’ll love Velveeta. It’s basically unsliced slices. An actual block of Kraft ‘American’ cheese!
This stuff has been around even longer than slices. And it’s been touted over the years as a super-easy cheese sauce (just melt it), the obvious cheese choice for Mac & Cheese, the ultimate cheese soup base, and many, many more suggestions from the Kraft Test Kitchens over the years.
Not to mention the Ultimate Grilled Cheese Sandwich…
Grilled Cheese an exception
In fact, a classic grilled cheese sammy may be the only legitimate application of American (Proces-sed) cheese. There are some rules you should follow to reproduce the authentic original version properly. One of which is to use only a single slice of cheese. This allegedly produces the ideal bite and flavour experience.
But the official Kraft ‘Ultimate Grilled Cheese’ recipe now calls for two slices of American. I’ll freely admit I think that’s a good plan. But I think Kraft calls for two slices because they want you to use more of its product. And buy more, of course. But maybe that’s just my natural skepticism. Or too many years reporting on shrinkflation and other manufacturer moves to mislead and deceive con-sumers…
There are, of course, those who say a slice of processed cheese is the only proper way to crown a cheeseburger. That’s definitely true in North America. But the rest of the world is not so hide-bound. If you ask for a cheeseburger anywhere else – and you’re not at a branch of one of the big American chains – you’re likely to get whatever cheese they like in that region. And it’s likely to be a cheese made nearby. All the better!
The eternal ‘Cheese Sandwich’
We can start with a cheese sandwich that epitomizes poverty, laziness and a lack of appreciation for food, in general. This soulless creature is the ‘classic’ cheese sandwich. It consists of two slices of plain, white sliced bread with a slice of American in the middle. When I was in elementary school, many of the poor kids brought this for lunch almost every day, with nothing else but cheese. Not even butter on the bread.
Then came those of us on the next rung up the social ladder. Our Dads were employed full-time, albeit in blue-collar jobs. But we always had ‘enough’, plus a small budget for treats once or twice a month. We also took white-bread sandwiches to school. But we usually had a slice of ‘Bolognie’ and a slice of processed cheese. And my sammys always had butter on the bread. It was amazing how much more palatable the butter made that poor excuse for a sandwich…
Many variations
There are, of course, many, many variations of the classic cheese sandwich, both plain and grilled. The point I want to make here is, they all add upgraded ‘companion’ ingredients – like ham, bacon, fried eggs, and even avocado.
At the pinnacle of Cheese Sandwichdom, we find The elegant Monte Cristo, the Croque Monsieur and the Croque Madame. And just off to one side, the legendary Louisville Hot Brown.
And those elegant creations deserve, even more, real cheese as their companions.
My take
If you’re serious about Cheese Sandwiches, you’ll insist on real cheese, in varieties that complement your preferred variations.
American (Processed) cheese has its traditional place in North American cuisine. But nothing can erase the facts that 1.) it’s traditionally a ‘make-do’ product; 2.) it’s an Ultra=processed Food; and 3.) it’s not real cheese.
~ Maggie J.