Wow. It may be the ultimate ‘touchy’ question in the culinary universe. And there are so many angles on it and factors involved that it may be impossible to come to a conclusion. Should you EVER share your ‘secret’ family recipes?
Has your whole future ever hinged on something as simple as a single pot of chili?
Delish correspondent Megan Schaltegger consulted an expert on the issue, after reading about a Redditor’s predicament. She starts off her discussion with a caveat: “Like many delicate situations, it’s not always so cut-and-dried. Is it rude to not share a secret family recipe? Can you just say ‘no’ […] or does that make you an a**hole?”
Setting the scene…
Schaltegger sets the scene with a condensed version of a story she found on Reddit, about a woman who got herself neck-deep in ‘family’ trouble when she refused to share one of her mom’s recipes with her (presumptive) future mother-in-law:
“Nick’s family was coming over, so I decided to make my family’s chili recipe to celebrate the cold weather. Nick and his family love my chili so I made sure there was enough for them to take [some] home,” she recounted, in the post.
“Before Nick’s mom left, she asked if I could share the recipe with her so she could make it for a work potluck. I told her sorry, but this is a secret family recipe. She asked, ‘Aren’t we already considered family[?]’ I replied, ‘According to you we aren’t.’ After that she went, ‘Oh, ok.’ Then left.”
Whoa, there! What?
Seems the mother-in-law had previously excluded the woman from a family get-together, because ‘she wasn’t family, yet.’
Talk about complicating factors! And issues that have nothing do with the sanctity of family culinary secrets. Nevertheless, that’s the kind of thing that makes the whole question of whether to share family recipes, and who to share them with, an even more dangerous proposition…
A maven weighs in
Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert and owner of The Protocol School of Texas, says: “It’s not unusual for people to want to keep family recipes close to the vest. The reality is that most recipes, or a close version of them, can be found online.
“Much of the history, along with the special ingredients or the tiny tweak that no one else does, has been handed down from generation to generation. And the emotional attachment is the ‘memory,’ along with the ritual of baking, cooking and enjoying the dish with people you love.”
A lose-lose situation
Often a request to share a cherished family recipe comes down to a lose-lose situation. You have to chose between hurting (possibly alienating) the family member who shared the recipe with you And the ‘outsider’ who wants you to share it with them.
So, how do you handle an ask that you have to refuse?
Gottman to the rescue
Gottman says the key to making a polite refusal is to keep the tone light and cheery. And keep the conversation brief. Just smile, and toss off a remark in the nature of, “Oh, it’s just a standard recipe – with a couple of ingredients my grandmother always kept secret. We’ve taken a vow of silence!” Maybe add a conspiratorial wink.
And leave it at that. Walk away, if you have to, to avoid further discussion.
My take
I may be the exception to an ancient and venerable rule… But I usually have no problems sharing family recipes. In fact, as a culinary pro, I actually get a lick out of sharing cooking tips and tech-niques. Over the years, I’ve discovered it’s a good way to ingratiate yourself with people. Even make friends.
As for entire recipes, I’ve always been proud to share my families’ special versions of classic dishes. However, I usually draw the line at any dish I or my forebears actually invented…
Now… In the case of the gal who got herself in Dutch with her presumptive future mother-in-law… Let’s just say she has a lot to learn about diplomacy. And just, basically, being a grown-up.
~ Maggie J.