Here’s an interesting cultural ‘aside’ to the whole COVID-19 thing that makes me wonder whether people – even in this scientifically-advanced, culturally-aware day and age – aren’t still their own worst enemies. I was drawn to take a closer look this morning at a post about ‘Opening Beer Bottles’…
Grip firmly as above; use shirt tail, dish towel or whatever to help grip…
Before I get on my high horse and start ranting about this silly, needless, potentially harmful post, I want to qualify my imminent comments and observations by saying that this particular topic may engender greater interest and ‘importance’ among Canadians, Aussies, Brits, and others who are more likely to drink their Beer out of bottles than cans – which is now the overwhelming choice of American Suds fans. On the other hand, sister Erin reminds me that there is still a beverage an shortage in the U.S., where production of canned beverages is getting ahead of the supply of new cans. The shortage could mean that Bottles are, or soon will be, slipping back into vogue, to help ease the impact of the can drought. There’s just no data on that point at present, that we could find.
Anyway.
My point n this post today focuses on some other completely different points.
What’s so important about a post on opening Beer Bottles?
And not just any post: it’s a 15-screen monster that rivals the most complex economic, political or social comment essays reprinted from the big ‘serious’ publications.
First, I think that there has simply been more chatter among the drinking classes about opening bottles lately because cans are harder to get, and folks are moving to foreign Beers that are more likely to come in bottles.
Another survey I saw last year concluded that classic crown-capped bottle openers are on the endangered list of bar accessories simply because cans have taken over so massively in the marketplace due to their manufacturing advantages and pull-tab consumer convenience. that survey concluded that many young drinkers don’t even know what a classic bottle opener is, because they’ve always had Beer in cans.
I, on the other hand, remember when guys all kept what was satirically referred to as a ‘Church Key’ on their key chains so they wouldn’t get stuck without an opener wherever they went. Now, I want to point out, most fancy lever-action Cork Screws still have bottle openers built in; a legacy feature that was included back in the beginning, when Bottles were still pretty common.
But that’s not the real issue
The real issue, though, is why do millions upon millions of drinkers not know that most beer bottles these days are screw-downs, and need no more special tools to open than pull-tab cans?
“I can’t budge those d*****d screw caps,” I hear so many folks – even big brawny guys – complain. Well, I can. And if my gnarly old arthritis-infested hands can do it, theirs can, too. If they just take about two minutes to learn how. (Tip: It involves nothing more than using your your shirt tail to get a nice, tight, dry grip on the cap.)
The whole issue seems to be not that it’s truly hard to open screw-top Beer Bottles, but that folks these days are addicted to convenience and resent anything that involves even the smallest amount of effort getting in the way of access to stuff they crave.
More evidence that the Art of Bottle Opening is dead or dying…
The truth is that that vast majority of techniques of openerless Beer Bottle uncapping mentioned in the post I’m commenting on are really just old hacks anyone of my generation – no matter how genteel a lady – already knows.
I also think it’s really telling of mainline culture these days that such a post will go to the lengths of listing and even demonstrating (with photos and videos) no fewer than 13 different techniques of releasing the old Amber Nectar from captivity.
Now, here’s a twist (pun intended) on this whole issue: A lot of Soda / Soft Drinks is sold in screw-top plastic bottles whose cap are virtually identical to those on Beer bottles – except that they’re plastic. I’ve actually had more trouble getting into plastic screw-tops which feature moulded-in security seals than I ever had opening metal-capped screw-tops.
Some caveats…
I don’t want to close this rant without pointing out some important caveats about some of the bottle-opening techniques featured in the post (and others like it).
If you apply too much force to the neck of a glass beverage bottle, you might break or chip it, resulting in glass shards getting into the product. You can’t risk drinking it, and have to just throw the whole thing out.
Glass Beer bottles are, in some jurisdictions, still directly re-filled after a good cleaning, and may have chips in their lips. Should quality control miss those, you’ll never know whether the missing chips is in your bottle or elsewhere, and the chipped spot may still cut your lip. Some of the crude, brute force opening techniques recommended in the post we’re critiquing today can cause chips, too. Just don’t use them.
My take
First, the best thing we can do is to ban posts like the one we’re taking apart today. They just enable dangerous practices and bad habits among bored, lazy COVID-19 slackers which may result not only in danger to themselves but others.
The best approach you can use to open a glass Beer Bottle is to apply good, old common sense and sound judgement liberally. Have a safe, happy Holiday season…
~ Maggie J.